Too Too Tootsie

No. 5, All Things Tootsie (no, this dog is not stoned, although I've had my suspicions)

My bloated stomach looks like Kuato (the resistance leader growing out of that guy's gut in Total Recall) and is threatening to drop down to my knees and do a corn syrup Happy Dance. I owe my current state of distress to a 47 oz Child's Play Tootsie Value Pack.
Why, Tootsie Roll Industries, why?

(Go Phils)

The pack I'm currently deflowering contains Tootsie Roll Pops, DOTS, Tootsie Fruit Rolls, and three sizes of Tootsie Rolls. I'm looking for a large satchel to dump them into so I can hand them out to the "kids" on State Street tomorrow ("Parent's Night").
Tonight I'm hoping to stay out of the ER—where's that giant bag of candy?